During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
