i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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