I just saw a hot homeless man
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
