My hand turned me down
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
