if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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