The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
