That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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