i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
