Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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