Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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