There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
