she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
