Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
it glows. i had to have it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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