I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
