You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
