her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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