On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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