Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
