Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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