she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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