You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
