A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We are all done wearing pants today
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
