I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
