why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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