It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
