I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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