omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
