Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
