you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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