dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
