Can Purell be used as lube?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
