I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
