she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
