News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
