Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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