So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
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I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
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I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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