Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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