I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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