My entire life is one complicated drinking game
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
