we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
