and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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