you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
