your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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