I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
is wine microwaveable?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
