I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
