just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
do herpes really smell.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
