P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
