when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Did I show you my penis last night?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
