Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
