Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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