After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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