Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
