P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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