you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
