When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
