My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
