I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
