My Higher Power is John Stamos
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
